Self-Effacing and Self-Reflection on a Saturday Evening (5.19.18)

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Yep.  It’s Saturday evening and I’m going to call it an early night.  There are sevearl things going on, but most importantly: I had quit my fuckin’ job and I will never have to see it or work as an employee for another person within this lifetime (note: I plan on being enlightened, so I guess this is my last lifetime, snitches).  Still, I’ve been going through a whole spectrum of emotions; growing, shedding off loose skin, getting in touch with emotions, letting go of the past, slam dunking the future, and in general, just really transitioning.  At times, I can say it’s been stressful; it’s like Armageddon the movie, when the spaceship shoots them to about 6,000mph.  When they’re accelerating, it’s super stressful for them and their blood and organs are all flaburgasted (is that the right word?  The right spelling?  Probably not).  Then, once the dust settles and the target speed is hit, the shuttle maintains the same speed and the astronauts finally feel a sense of equilibrium.

That is what I am aiming for.  This is the case especially since I have other life changes going on, such as adding Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and other grappling arts to my reportoire of skills: while this may not seem like much, I am 37 years old, and I’ve been doing martial arts for 25 years this year – I am old in martial arts years!  My body has reached a state in which I can use very little input to get a decent output (don’t get me wrong, in the greater spectrum of the Chinese Martial Arts, I am about a 18 out of 100 – if we can be honest in assessing the average McDojo teacher is about a 6 out of 100 and a really good or advanced practitioner is about 60-95 – 100), and I am simply maintaining my practicing (and improving – which has become part of my schedule).  Developing new grappling muscles and skills can be a real headache and body ache.  I think I had a few weekends where I felt completely devoid of energy, and I’ve almost fallen asleep at the wheel several times and had a few bouts of insomnia due to the adjustment period.  Let’s hope things acquire a sense of equilibrium on that front.  Also, no, I’m not going to spellcheck those one or two damn words up there – I’ll let my editor do it.  Who’s my editor?

Next, I have suddenly come across a stage where I can have more control and awareness of my bad habits (stress eating, minor stress spending, oversleeping or over snoozing, disorganization) and have the energy to change them.  In the past, I have felt as if my 100% effort to fight these was like shooting a pellet gun at a giant surfing wave.  I would get in a few licks and then get overthrown by the tide.  Now, I have some more awareness, like stepping back and watching myself like a movie, and some calmness where I can take a breath, assess the situation, and change course in spite of tumultuous emotions or life circumstance.  So here I am, a changed man.

I am excited for what’s to come, but mind you, it is very scary, disheartening, and borderline traumatic at times – self-growth and the making of a good martial artist is like making a sausage: it’s best to appreciate the results without seeing the process.

Another Seinfeldian post, except it’s about nothing and something at the same time.

Yep.  Contact me at: chingyinwriting@gmail.com or look up Chingyin Writing on Facebook.   Have a good day!

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